Sawadee ka!

Greetings from beautiful Koh Chang ("Elephant Island"), Thailand! We've been here for 4 days and are (mostly) enjoying the downtime.  It is the last official week of the rainy season, so our beautiful sunny days have been occasionally interrupted by some storms. Overall, the sea is warm and calm, the weather is good and it is beautiful outside today.

Koh Chang is a rapidly-developing tropical island, and, if this is "low-season", I'm glad we aren't here (or some major tourist island like Koh Samui or Phi-Phi) during the high season.  It's pretty busy! The delicious food and lovely Thai hospitality that we've become accustomed to (in addition to the super low prices) has been replaced by jacked-up prices and generic Westernized food, and mostly brash or apathetic service. Pretty typical for a tourist destination...but makes me a bit sad. And longing for a remote, undiscovered island with smiling locals.

Unfortunately, Josh woke up sick the night before last and spent all of the day yesterday between his bed and the bathroom. We're not sure if it was/is a virus or bacteria from the pool, breakfast buffet or something that he ate? Anyway, he slept well last night and woke up hungry this morning, which I thought was a good sign...But he is still very fatigued and out-of-sorts.  I'm hopeful he will be feeling back to normal soon.

We've officially been on the road for 8 weeks today and are past the halfway point of this trip. Through the ups and the downs, I feel a wonderful sense of freedom. Freedom, not from responsibility or authority, not from housework or my job or getting Josh to the bus stop or getting dinner on the table. What I mean is that I feel comfortable in my own skin.

Ever since I was little, I have always been driven by a desire to please, a need to excel, achieve. I was very "in control" of everything.  I referred to it as "self-improvement."  Unfortunately, what it really meant, deep down inside my being, is that I never felt like I was good enough the way I was. I have always fought to be smarter, more successful, stronger, healthier.  You name it. My thighs are too jiggly, my teeth could be whiter, my shoulders are too broad, my nose too big. I would constantly over-analyze every conversation, every interaction, after-the-fact, wishing I would have said this or done that. Oh, and when I got married, I strove to be "the perfect wife."  When I had a child, it was "super mom." What the hell does that mean?  Supportive, fun, funny, stylish, independent, exciting, smart.  A good mom, but still an attentive and energetic wife. Loved by all, good cook.  Fit.  Beautiful...No wrinkles, no smells, no flaws. Happy. All. The. Time.

Exhausting.

Believe me, I didn't consciously do this. I didn't wake up thinking of all of the ways I was going to do these things. This was woven into my very being. It happened without thinking.

There were lots of (unwritten) rules to follow, I knew them all but never questioned them.

Those of you who know me know that I have been going through this self-discovery process for a while. While traveling, the same rules definitely do not apply. We aren't cooking, we aren't keeping up a house. We definitely aren't doing any entertaining. We meet people on the road, and sometimes they speak English, sometimes they don't.  Sometimes, Josh sleeps in his clothes. Sometimes we all wear the same clothes day after day after day. "Do I have to take a shower tonight, Mommy?" Hmmmmmm, given that we are going to be sweating bullets on a dirty train for 5 hours tomorrow, "No, you can skip it, sweetie." Sometimes we only eat once a day. Sometimes we have panda pops from the 7-11 for lunch. I haven't thought about carbs or fats or proteins or calories.  If there is food available, I eat what I want, when I'm hungry. Like I said, the same rules don't apply.  Sometimes, we don't shower.  My highlights have grown out and my hair is full of split ends. I didn't even bring makeup and my feet are calloused.  Sometimes, the only coffee is instant, and we just drink it. there are so many things out of our control. The bus is hot and the toilet doesn't work. Nobody washes their hands! I ran out of hand sanitizer and they don't sell it here. Sometimes we all go to bed at 8:00 and sometimes Josh stays up until 10:00 or 11:00. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves. Sometimes, we have to pay too much for something we need. Sometimes, things aren't what we expected or what we paid for. We definitely can't control everything. And we are all just fine. Great, actually.

The thing is, I feel connected with the world when I see that, no matter where we are, or what language we speak, we are all essentially similar. We are all trying to be or control something. We are all following some kind of "rules." The western women are all trying to get a tan and the Thai women are all covered in the shade and paying top dollar for lightening creams on their skin.

I'm not saying that all of the rules are wrong. I'm not saying that "self-improvement" is wrong. Growth is healthy, I believe. But, being on the road has given me the ability to examine a lot of the beliefs that, quite honestly, just don't fit me anymore.  I'm ready to throw them out. Fortunately, Todd and Josh like me just the way I am. I'd like to believe that the rest of my family, my friends and my co-workers do too.  And I love me too, just how I am.  Jiggly thighs, coffee-stained teeth, split ends, stinky pits, dirty feet and all.